Thinking of our Kids

It has been a little over a month since I started this resolution of mine. There have been a few challenges, but overall, it has been positive. The greatest mistake I have made is in not properly preparing my family and organizing my life to make it easier. Since starting, I have unsubscribed from the multitude of emails I used to receive that alerted me to this sale or that promotion. I have eliminated the weekly routine of scanning the Sunday newspaper ads for sales. I have also stopped the practice of taking the kids to the store to browse the toys etc. as a form of entertainment.


I had a couple of particularly bad experiences shopping with my children. First, I was at Walmart with my kids and we had wandered over to the Christmas toy clearance section (red alert right? ). My 5 year old daughter saw a toy that she “really wanted” and was begging me for it. I, with a good deal of satisfaction, proclaimed to her that this year we would not be buying anything new! I foolishly thought that my daughter would magically grasp the liberating joy of this idea- yeah, I know, I’m delusional on occasion. Instead, she began to bawl and shout at me that she didn’t like that idea at all. Bratty moment, yes, but can you really blame my daughter? How foolish of me to wait until she was in the middle of coveting an object to tell her of my resolution that automatically involved her. I was able to calm her down somewhat by telling her that she would still be getting presents for her birthday and Christmas (before this year I kind of cheated and put some toys away for those occasions) but that we just wouldn’t be buying all of these things that we didn’t really need just because we wanted them. Later I organized myself and my husband and I sat down and talked with our daughter, sharing the story of the Good Samaritan, and explaining that there are many people that don’t have as much as we do, and since we are blessed with more, we have the responsibility to share with others and help them any way we can. We made a goal that every time she received presents for birthdays, Christmas and such that she would find at least one thing that she has that she can donate. We talked about how we will focus on how we can give instead of what we will receive this year as a way of showing how much we appreciate what we have. My daughter listened to this, and understood what we were saying and I believe she is genuinely eager to do this. So far we have done little things like taking bread to a family that moved in and helping shovel snow for neighbors. I think that this Summer when she is out of school, we will do many more hands on service projects.

The other hiccup to this plan of mine came when I took my 3 year old son to a story time at a bookstore. While we were waiting for story time to begin, my son found a little wind-up toy that he REALLY wanted. Normally, I would have just purchased it for him. No doubt the bookstore has story time to bring customers in with the idea that they will buy things while they’re there and I’ve always felt the pressure to do so. However, on this occasion, I had to say no to my son. He had a mega tantrum and we left the store without enjoying the story time.

I like the extra incentive I have to say no to my children when they ask for all these little trinkets, I think that ultimately it makes me a better parent with less spoiled children. However, as you may have guessed, I don’t take my kids shopping with me much anymore.

All of this has caused me to think a lot about the messages we send our kids and the damage that consumerism is doing to them. Before this year, I took my kids to stores all the time just to look around because it was a quick and readily available activity and perfect when the weather is bad. The kids would look at toys, I’d look at home décor, clothes etc.. and we would have a great time- usually leaving the store with a toy. From a very early age, my children learned how shopping works and would soon be begging to be allowed to swipe the credit card or hand the cashier the money. Looking back on this, I think it is sad that my children came to see the regularity and importance of this more than they did the beauty of stopping to enjoy nature or the fun of making each other laugh. Instead of teaching them that the focus should be on what we have, the many joys that are free for the taking, I taught them to believe that good times came from things, from buying, from obtaining- things that would ultimately leave them empty and searching for more.

It is easy and almost cliché to think back on “the good old days” but truthfully, what about those good old days. I am sure that the desire to have more has been around from the beginning of time, but we have given into that desire more and more over time. How blessed are we that we can afford all of this extra stuff. Really, how fortunate am I that I can even think about buying less when there are many who don’t have enough money to buy food. Once upon a time, children received one present for Christmas. My husband, who grew up in the Soviet Union had that experience. Sometimes, there weren’t even presents, it was just a celebration because you had extra good food to eat. Even if people who lived that life of simplicity wished they had more, they still had a greater appreciation for the things they did receive. Today, we receive and buy so much, but value it so little. How quickly are the mountains of toys received at Christmas broken or forgotten? This past year it took my kids two days to exhaust the fun of their presents. As a parent I want to relish in the joy my children have at opening presents and it is tempting to fall into the pattern of bigger and better. It is like a drug, over time you need more and more to get your fix and it fades quicker and quicker. Similarly, over our lifetime we become less and less satisfied with life- been there done that. By overloading our children at such an early age, we accelerate that progression into apathy for life. How many teenagers do you know who appear to be unable to enjoy life- really enjoy it instead of complaining of boredom with eyes glued to the computer screen or cell phone.

During times of celebration, instead of focusing on the presents, I want to focus on the feelings and joy of togetherness. I have always been very pragmatic about gifts for myself. I usually only want useful things. I think the best gift is something that I didn’t have to ask for, like when a loved one takes the time to think about what I really need and then expresses their love for me by taking care of that need. Whatever happened to homemade gifts. Why have we robbed our children of that even greater joy that comes from working hard on something for someone else and then surprising them with it.

I remember feeling deprived as a child because I didn’t have as many toys as many of my friends, so I understand that even if I change the way I approach consumerism with my children, they may not grasp the full importance of it and simply feel bad that they don’t have as much as others. Hopefully I can give them some perspective through a focus on giving instead. In Tim Kasser’s book The High Price of Materialism he talks about how several studies show that materialism is higher in people who did not grow up with a feeling of security. This can be a lack of financial security or emotional security. People naturally (or through partial influence of advertising) try to fix insecurity with accumulation of wealth and possessions. The studies cited in this book also showed that such materialism never contributed to greater happiness in the individuals. Although the world in general preaches the gospel of consumerism, I believe that if I help my children feel emotionally secure (financial security comes easier when you aren’t buying things), they will not feel as strong of a desire for material accumulation. If I show my children that I love them by spending time with them and truly listening when they talk to me, instead of buying them things to keep them quiet- which ultimately only makes them feel less loved, I think they will not feel deprived and will instead have confidence and peace.